Last night a friend was recounting a few episodes of my offensive behavior in a typical manner.
What has always perplexed me is the certainty his voice when he regards these statements as obviously offenseive.
On the way home, I realized that the problem is that I didn't grow up in a middle class environment, and most of my socialization, outside of school and my peers, took place among Vietnamese people.
The socialization that took place among my peers involved interacting with lower class cutlture that I was able to identify with more, and middle class (to me they were all upper class/wealthy) friends, in whose homes I always felt a little bit guilty or ashamed.
The middle class culture that I am now deemed offensive in is one that regards it as a given that there's certain things you don't say. And I'm included in this 'you'!
The difference between this and my own cultural precedents is that among my Vietnamese relatives, I was the only white guy and they were used to living in a culture where things went differently than their own, so there was no presumption of unspoken, binding codes of social decorum placed on me.
My step-mom would tell me how to behave around her relatives and I would just go along with it.
So, there was an inbuilt tolerance for diversity, my aunts and uncles were immigrants and so accepted the American culture they had to function in from day to day, and I accepted what aspects of their culture I was exposed to by just doing what I was told (sometimes.)
One time I took a girlfriend, a middle class white girl from a very nice, waspish family to Vietnamese New Year at my uncle's house. There were about thirty people there, and we were the only white people.
She ended up crying that night, from being around all those strange people. Everying was laughing and speaking a strange language, and the attempts to bring her into the family involved teasing, joking, and letting her alone.
It must have seemed chaotic and threatening to her. For me, it was like "What are you stupid? These people are going out of their way to be friendly. This is my life, don't be so small-minded."
But when I think of her own family's social functions, I can see that they were all in English, all with 'regular' white people, and much quieter. Introductions were made formally, people were greeted as they arrived, and introductory conversations were boring and informational.
When I was around her family, I felt uncomfortable as well.
But I never thought of anything in terms, of 'people just don't do that', or 'that's just rude!'
Another thing I was told in regards to violations of cultural norms is that I don't put a filter on what I say!
Someone who is hyper-verbal and hyper-analytical, who has worked as a translator and English instructor.... How could I not filter what I say?
I have a million different filters and sculpting tools to polish or refine what I say.
Again, the actual indication is not that I don't think about what I say, but that what I say violates those middle cultural norms that are so foreign to me. Not thinking is equal to not knowing what shouldn't be said. The presumption is that what shouldn't be said is utterly obvious, so transgressions must be due to a carefree, tell it like it is mentality (now I'm the colorful black lady).
And that is another crucial aspect of this middle class culture that I can scarcely refer to with sufficiently comprehensive categorization, this culture presumes that there is an exclusive way to behave around others. There is little awareness of other cultural norms and thus a default presumption of exclusivity.
So, there are three cultural situations I see here. One is the lower class culture, that also has a presumption of exclusivity, but is one I'm both familiar with and one that I rejected easily. Generally speaking, this is the proper thing to do according most people, including those in the lower classes.
Since lower class culture is denigrated, among it's own members there is a sense that it might be better to escape. So for people like me, who educate themselves and form their own identities, their is more likely to be admiration among my lower class peers for abandoning this culture. It's good to violate the norms of lower class culture, smart people like me are expected to.
The two other cultural situations are the middle class culture and the multi-cultural culture.
The middle class culture is the most restricing, and the most foreign to me. It presumes that it is the only right way to be, that it is the norm. It is composed of people who grow up in a mono-culture, where there are likely to be other members of this culture, of various ethnicities or backgrounds, who likewise conform to the same norms.
This is kind of an international bourgois culture. And it's actually not just middle classes, but more upper middle class and just straight upper classes.
The multi-cultural situation is one whose members are used to differences in customs, communication styles, languages, accents, smells, foods, etc.
For people that are used to being foreigners among foreigners, and retaining there own culture among others that do the same, there is a familiarity with and acceptance of culturally abnormal behavior, and a presumption that effort might be necessary to figure out what the other person means by their behavior.
So, what I have concluded is that my cultural background hasn't prepared me well for being around the mono-culture middle class people.
This also means that, in my dealing with these sorts of people, I may have also missed the chance to understand them in their own context.
Sometimes my ethnic or national similarities with these people has made me presume that I should try to have something in common with them, instead of just recognizing the fact that I need to observe them as I would any other new group of foreigners I meet, and try to learn and respect their customs.
I get along okay with my Vietnamese relatives, though I don't see them more than once a year, and I felt comfortable with everyone in China.
Now, I guess, I have the option of learning to sit around with people who seem dull, disingenuous and narrow minded and try to imitate their culture.
I think I have to understand what a niece said to me at my dad's funeral. It was a Buddhist funeral, and pretty normal, for me. We spent a lot time praying to Buddha and praying for Buddha to help my father move on from this life. There was one table that served as an altar for my father, with food and tea for him. And another alter for the Buddha, and food and tea for it as well. This is pretty standard, 'everyone' knows that that's how you do it.
A Buddhist funeral is different from a Catholic funeral, which is also perfectly normal to me.
What my niece asked was "Why don't you have a regular funeral?"
I answered something like "Where do you think you live? You live in a place full of Vietnamese, Guatemalans, Filipino's, various Arabs, Persians, Cambodians, Indians, etc. How can you still think like that?"
I guess that's what's meant by normal.
Yuck!
