NONFICTION Wriggling Under Sleep and Sleep paralysis

I began composing this blog while struggling to wake up out of sleep paralysis. I forgot it was sleep paralysis, and only recognized it as this familiar state which I had visited before.

As i woke up, moaned desperately, and drifted through various illusions of wakefulness, i thought "What is this state really?"

The various false wakes had included many scenes with people i know, and seemed like they couldnt take place in the present. But maybe it would happen in the future. So, maybe this trembling, fear stricken state of in-between conscious, trying to break through the thin transparent film of sleep into wakefulness- maybe it was really the mind/body trying to break through into another time, another reality.

I am regularly struck by such thoughts. I also regularly experience 'deja vu' or visions.

The prevalent view of deja vu is that they are actually just differences in sensory intake speed, so that some sensory data bypasses the short term memory, goes straight to the long term memory and then gets fed back to you as a memory, so thus you are experiencing new data and remembering that same data.

But my visions have become more than deja vu. They are quite clearly associations that make no sense in my present context and vanish quickly, leaving only what i can conscious repeat to myself, thus inputting into my memory.

So, I cant quite explain this in terms of that deja vu model, but the discrepancy between data intake and processing being a causal factor does seem to make sense.

Because these visions seem more common when i have alot of caffeine in me, when i have an empty stomach and i start to get jumpy, or when i havent gotten any sleep.

An example of one of these visions is:

The other day i was teaching a corporate class. We were having class in the main training room. Previously, the tables at which the students sat, had been arranged in a set of four. So that at each table three to four students sat.

That day, the seats had been changed so that they were all joined side by side, like a straight 'u'. The new arrangement triggered a vision, where I was seeing this arrangement like a memory.

The trick is that this deja vu was just the catalyst, the rest of the experience was a series of associations.

One of these associations was something like 'the woman is evil' and 'i need to tell stephen'.

These two thoughts- i cannot say they are truly part of a novel experience, because they are likely to have been influenced by my state of mind at the time.

The thought of and evil woman seemed connected to the woman who was in charge of training at that company. The thought of warning stephen fits into a general pattern of worrying about him all the time.

But there was one novel thought. It was "el nunca vences" but the 'vences' was pronounced with a hard 'c'

The question I have is: Where does this come from? How can my brain produce such fascinating data?

It is not enough to say that the experience is erroneous, although this is often the main concern.
Some people just want to right this sort of phenomena off as brain mistakes. But they are not merely mistakes, they are novel and bizarre occurrences.

If my brain mistakes the name of one of my students, that is understandable and the elements of the mistake are mostly obvious.

But when my brain is suddenly seized by thoughts and feelings that seem to come from nowhere. And that provide names that dont exist, words that dont exist, I think this is important.

Whether or not my visions have any real use, they represent the conscious mind being seized in a state where utterly novel phenomena are produced.

Now that i think of it, it is rather like an inverted dream.

Whereas the bits of conscious and on-the-periphery-of-conscious data are rearranged in the subconscious during dreams,

My visions seem like subconscious data rearranged in my conscious actively experiencing mind.

NONFICTION Getting To The Higher Me and The God

Part A: The SELF

when i was around 13 I had an experience which has ever since spurred me on in the search for a higher conscious.

I was walking down the halls of my junior high school, alone and closed up, safe, in my mind. This is often my happiest time.

Suddenly, a voice sounded in my head, a voice I immediately recognized as some 'older' or higher version of myself.

The voice said "There's more room up here."

And, along with this declaration, I felt an expansion of my consciousness, not in any specific way, but like a cramped house wherein the inhabitants suddenly find an empty cellar, dwarfing in size the rest of the house, and filled with golden sunlight.

That was around 15 years ago. When I look at that number, it makes me think maybe there's a problem here. Maybe I havent done enough.

On the one hand, I'm evasive and a chronic procrastinator, with a erratic heart and attention span.

On the other hand, I'm a freaking genius and pretty nice to people. Also, I've managed to get rid of a lot of my shame based tendencies and not repeat the sickness of my families previous generations.

And the most hopeful part, finally now, after all this time, I am able to glimpse the possibility of maintaining the higher self all the time, not just in rare moments of clarity.

Part B The GOD

I have felt the presence which I think is what other people call God. I have prayed to it. I have talked to it. I have pleaded with it to be patient with me. I have explained to it what I need to understand about it.

That feeling is so special, that I really want to be able to feel it all the time.

It is not the same as the higher self (which I also think of as "The me that I can talk to"), but it is a comparable experience.

I want to feel that god thing in my head all the time, and I want the higher self in me all the time.

(Im like the old lady on Phil Hendrie who just couldn't be satisfied with the goblin juice, she wanted all the damn juices!)

But, in the past I have constantly sought panacea's for my most pervasive and self-destructive tendency: Hesitancy.

So, I ought not rely on these two highs to help me avoid being a Hamlet.

But, I hope anyways.

FICTION 待轮的冒险旅行 PT 2 p. 88 i talk to the guy to find out whats the deelio

Alright, cool beans! I'm just going to wait for that foolio to bust up in this room and then I'm gonna get the facts straight on it.

So the guy turns the knob and proscenes to open the door. And I dont even trip, I just all stand there, like, whats the what man?

He goes "Good, my young scholar, you're all awake and shit." When he bravely spoke these words I was completely taking a back! How could i be called a scholar! I'm just a brass tax down to earth total head! But, I was so intrigued by his words that I decided to listen on.

The guy, who was all british looking with a white beard, medieval knight armor, and an owl on his shoulder, said "I'm quite sorry for your painfulness at the rude way we absconded you, but unfortunately we had to be secret about it, because you're so important. You see, we need you to be the hagriographer for a very special someone."

I was speechless and dumbfloundered, i slacked my jaw and asked "Whats a hagriographer? Even somebody of my erudite learning doesn't know it all!"

The guy chuckled good naturedly and then gave me a good natured wink. "Well, liege, a hagriographer is like the men of old who trainscribed the glorious deeds of the kings of the realm!" As he said this he sweapt his arm high in the air.

Whoa! Trip out on that shit! What about my boat. As if he was psycically reading my mind's thoughts, he goes "


"Ha Ha Ha , i know what you're thinking of and its quite lol! But, true be told, if you make it big time, burn the midnight elbow grease and hunger down, I promise you that I am going to give you this very boat you have been abducted onto." Then he stroked his beard thoughtfully.

I wasn't no dumbass, so i was all like "Hey man, what kind of boat is this anyways, huh?"


Still stroking it, he said "Nothing but a 45TX with a 22 mv sinker and hull beepers. Not bad, yeah?"

I could only nod, he had me. "All right, who shall I be hagriographing? "

But before he could answer a loud voice was heard from outside the cabin "Evildoers, prepare to be boarded."

What!?! I was on a boat with evildoers? This guy might be a liar!

"Quickly my fair young liege, we must away from here!!" He motioned to me with his arms by waving them. But, could i trust him?


go with him because he's all merlyn looking p. 17

escape on your own p.55

stay in the room and hide p64

POEM the hair on your brushes

maybe even now they are watching us.
in whatever far off replication of what we now watch
they will see it with microscopes, with disease
with little quantum things even five year olds will know of


but how will all their disgust and contempt
be mediated by what we now know?

Anyone who now sees the hair,
Wound round the brush
Cleans it regularly
is utterly apart from this time
and held in contempt

While we ghosts
lose
ourselves
in our voices
complaining
that
we shouldnt have to know

FICTION Darrens Perilous Journey PT 1 (a choose my own adventure story)

At least my folks recognized all the expertise regarding boats that I had hard workingly accumulated over my so called quote unquote 'wasted life' that they always try to imply about! So sufficingly say that Im quite a bit of an expert in the boat field.

The day my parents had their moment of brilliance to let me go to the boat field to buy it, it was cloudy and all freaky jacked up looking in the sky

The government radio station that played all that minority music crap was playing some freaking techno stuff that the lyrics were "Raspberries for sell raspberries for sell."
I saw before me in my very eyes a whole paradise of boats. But before i could go down that plank of wood and get my grit on negotiating style, i was strucken from behind!!!

The world swam out of focus! and i was dropped into a dreamy sleepiness hole. i dreamed for, like it was years and years, of boats. Big boats. Blue boats. ANd my favorite, yellow sailboats.

Finnally i awoke and as soon as i woke up the first thing i could tell was that i was rocking like i was in a boat! But before i hadnt even been on no boat! I was all like what? How did i get on some boat?

Then i opened my eyes and looked around the place i was in. I saw a big fridgerator it was black and one of those big ones that has a whole bunch of freezer space and a water ice thing on the front.
Next to the fridge was a counter and sink. There was all kinds of dishes, and water was dripping onto the linoleum floor.
The rest of the stuff in the room was just some sofa and a table for eating i guess.
But i didnt even have time left to get my berries! Because just then suddenly i heard footsteps on the mysterious outside!
What could i do?

P.25 i pretend to be still asleep
p.34 i try to take down the guy whose coming all hardcore style on him
p. 88 i talk to the guy to find out whats the deelio

NONFICTION Who really seeks god?

I have realized some things about the meaning of ' a search for god'
First, let me say that I am an atheist and an anarchist. Philosophically i believe in the general primacy of experience in forming our knowledge of phenomena in the world.

So, I have felt something in my mind, a presence that I identify with god. I want to know what it is, to find out the meaning and origin.
But in order to do that, i have to clear out a lot of cluttered associations in my mind.

WHAT IT IS NOT

So, my experience should not be conflated with christianity, the main religion i have been exposed to.
Nor should its memory be allowed to flutter around my consciousness as some vague 'well, i believe theres something out there' attitude. This attitude does nothing to examine the experience or provide causal explanations. It just abstains from pursuing the experience in a constructive fashion.
Nor should this fascinating experience be lumped into any of the analysis-phobic spiritual new age type of ideas that posit sweet happy energy and other super powerful forces that are sensed but can never be subjected to honest judgement.
The set ideas that people have formed about god are not at all based on or starting from the actual thing they experience as god.

SIMPLE CHRISTIANITY

If anyone doubts this, please just look at the history of your beliefs, look at its predecessors. Look at who believed it before you. Look at the outsiders view of why it started. Look at the diversity of opinion.
If you are a christian, look at how many different ideas about christ there were. The myriad of doctrines and gospels that we know of. The ebionites, marcianites, the various gnostic beliefs, and the diversity of belief among the officially canonized gospels themselves. Yet the thing we get today- though it is still fragmented into methodists, unitarians, catholics, etc. - is one version of the meaning of the life of Jesus Christ and the Jewish God. It is the version that won out.
So it is with all the other beliefs about god, or the spirit world, or the magical energy that can get you everything if you project it right.

ASSERTING VS. SEARCHING

The notion of scientific proof of god as it exists today is not at all scientific. It is nothing but propagranda. No religious person ever says "okay, if this experiment fails, I'll stop believing in god!" But many religious people will jump at any chance to say "Well, even that famous scientist looked at something that scientists dont understand and said it was so complicated that it had to be made by god!"
There are many scientists who see proof of god in their discoveries, but even if we except the constantly recycled argument for the necessity of design, that has nothing to do with the vast majority of religious believers now and throughout time. Their belief is beyond evidence, beyond logic.

In real life, people believe in their own versions of god because it is offered to them, pre-packaged and fully assembled, when they are searching for meaning, or it is pushed onto them as children.

Asserting that there's a god and then finding lab results and saying "See I told you so." is utterly at odds with science. Faith (feeling) is the real reason for most belief, and the science is just a polemical device.

So, in the contradictions of scientific religion, we do not get what the phrase implies: An honest, verifiable theory of god.

LASTLY: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEARCH?

I do. To do so, it is first necessary to free ourselves of all the piled on habits of thought that have shaped and will continue to direct our understanding of god, or whatever this experience is.
To really look for god, we need to use the same tools that we use when we ask ourselves "Am I crazy?" "Am I in love?" "How do I know what is true." That is to say, we must use logic, contrast, objectivity, the evidence of our senses, and the evidence of our internal experience.

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