Sunday, February 10, 2008

NON-FICTION:important update, things I'm tired of and things I'm not

being aware of my gut, the utter reverence with which the lecturer I'm listening to is glorifying Heidegger, reading about creation./evolution/faith/atheism debates, making jokes, constantly playing out conversations in my head, peanut butter and jelly, yoghurt, complaining about the misrepresentations of contemporary chinese and china in foreign media, hearing people say they are bible literalists, imitating chinese regional dialects/accents, complaining, worrying about emma being unhappy with me.

Things I'm not tired of: Not working, staying alone all day, talking to emma, hugging and kissing and petting my susan and bakunin, giving them warm water and cleaning out the cat box, trying to clean the house, writing, ziwei-ing, watching bbc shows, almonds, coffee, bathing, getting and receiving correspondence, thinking about my story, thinking of things to do to make emma happy, thinking of things to write.

GUEST BLOGGER:八酷你猫:我国为何过节要放炮吓死我

床上不安全. 衣柜不安全. 床下面不安全. 现在我只会听到POW POWPOW 我怕国民党或日本回上海了。

大伦说不是战争,不是侵略, 只是中国人的节日。 好像我的中国老乡真恨我们猫。 你想一想, 如果你是猫的话,听那么多爆发,会不会轻松, 会不会快乐?

我想以后我们中国人会换一个办法过节。 不要放炮不要开枪, 不要放核弹。 我们不在 以色列, 不在 阿富汗, 我们要文明一点。

所以节日的时候, 大家要互相
舔和抓抓抓! 互相舔就是大家出门儿,舔另据们。
舔是代表友好。 抓呢? 抓就是代表机会,抓塑料袋子,可以吃饭, 抓杯子可以掉下里面的水而喝。 我们过节可以做很漂亮的塑料袋子, 上面写“富” “喜” “财“ 这样的字。 到时候, 我们都到外面对另据们扔塑料袋子,然后抓抓抓!

好了我要去抓一抓猫沙。 大伦说要给我换新的猫沙,还没有换。 他一说我就不相信。 他的单词多, 动作少。 我们猫不可怜吗

Saturday, February 9, 2008


我是 大伦 的猫. 首先要通知大家,我不是跟他一样的很那个的那个的. 我是老百姓. 我也是基督教徒. 我也是爱国人.
在中国, 以前没有宗教科幻书. 我从小很喜欢看书, 但是没有很多适合我宗教的书。 我看了许多的小说, 还没找到一本书会让我心灵更好。
当然, 外文书也很多是谈的基督教。 其实, 我的外文不好国语也不标准。 而且,外国人的故事怎么会跟我的生活有相处的问题?


我刚刚看完一本书名字叫 "未世迷踪" 是美国最有名的宗教科幻系列, 第一册和系列是一样的名字
预言. 我们基督教徒都相信圣经所有预言,但是我们应该小心"未世迷踪"作家帝姆-莱希对预言的理解和解译。

他的想法代表一个当代美国宗派。 世界和历史有不少不同预言解译。 但光看这个系列你只会知道一个五十年之前出来的解译。

帝姆-莱希 是从 还而-临的西拿来这个解译。 还而-临的西主要理论是‘the rapture' 根据这个理论, 未来会有所有真的基督教徒离开这个世界,而到天堂根 耶稣一块儿。 他们消失了我们的世界就开始一段时间叫“the tribulation"  这一段,上帝要做很多灾难, 还有

那这个rapture 宗派根我们中国基督教有关希的是蒂姆-莱希说这一段时间结束的时,中国的宾军要当耶稣的最大敌人!!!!!  

因为有很多人知道这些书是从美国来的, 所以他们会觉得蒂姆-莱希的理论是肯定有道理.  但是,如果你努力学习圣经和基督教的历史, 你不会那么容易被这些人骗了. 圣经历没有rapture这个字儿.  这只是一个美国人 孩儿-临的西的理论, 百分之九十九基督教徒不相信. 相信的人那么少,但他们是很有权威.美国总统

所以我们中国基督教猫可以看这些书, 但是不要完全相信它们所有的内容.


Well, I have gone through many kicks over the years, history, literature, neurology, comics, psychology, astrology. And most of these come and go in my mind.

Now, I'm off religion, isn't it? DId you notice the odditiy of that last sentence, i'n' it? Well, that's a sentence structure I've learned from watching British shows, i'n' it? It's not proper English, but proper English is outdated, even in England, i'n' it? The cool thing about that phrase is that it goes with every sort of sentence, i'n' it?

Let's see... I don't know that I can specifically delineate the particular point of departure into BBC land. But it started with me trying to find something fresh at the dvd stand.

Buying dvds at the stand (as opposed to a dvd shop) is not reliable, as all Expats know. Dvd stands cater more to impulse buying and get less people bringing back bad copies. So, a lot of these stands always offer the most popular movie titles. If you ask if its a clear copy, they always say yes, but half of the time, that's a lie. Most of the time, the first editions of pirated dvds are recorded from within the theatre. So you need a reliable retailer to make sure you get a real copy (even though I have had a lot of problems with the real copies being in Russian lately)

Anyways, its much safer to buy Televsion series, I've found.

So after discovering the sociologically fascinating L Word in this manner, i periodically returned to see what other tv treasures I might randomly discover.

Thus, I discovered Sugar Rush. A british show about an adorable little lesbian chick who moves to... Brighton? A resort town in England. There she struggles to find her true lesbian path amid the confusion of the straight world and her obsession with her best friend, Sugar.

Sugar is a black chick who lives on the 'estates' which, in Britain refers to something, somehow, equivalent to our ghettoes or poorer areas. They are often referred to in British rap music.

So this sugar sleeps with all kinds of guys. The crazy thing is, is that she only sleeps with white guys. Not only do you never see her hook up with black guys, but there's no black guys on the show.

Sugar, eventually, gives the lesbian sex a try with... i forgot the main chicks name. Sugar is really possessive and even though she's grossed out by sex with a girl, she becomes jealous after seeing the main chick fall in love with a real lesbian.

While the whole coming out drama is going on, the main chicks family is falling apart. Her brother is described, throughout the whole series, as 'weird'. We don't get any insight as to how, but this is entirely sufficient for a chick show, 'i'n' it?

Her father is kind of a pussy with no chin. But he's really responsible and takes good care of the family.

The mother, in surprising counterpoint, is selfish, irresponsible, and sexually unfulfilled. So she has an affair with a hot young stud and throws the marriage into utter tragedy.

Why did I watch this whole series and mourn it's cancellation, i'n' it? Two things, British People and Chicks.

Even though, these shows are as formulaic and filled with contemporary obligatory roles and themes, it's fascinating to see them in a slightly different cast, that is, for the British market.

Also, the very unreality of this show, and the following few which I'll mention, reflects profound truths about female culture.

Let me take Mistresses as an example. Its about four woman pursuing various affairs, mostly outside their own marriages or inside someone else's.

What you see is that the makers of the program expect woman viewers to respond to constant, socially proscribed, sex.

In one way, it seems as if the traditional womans story of Finding Mr. Right has now been amended to include Fucking Mr. Right.

In another, similary way, it seems that romance novels and soap operas have been elevated a few degrees of respectability.

In Mistresses, the women rarely have sex with the people they should be having it with. There's a lawyer who has a great, attractive loving husband, but instead she's screwing her hot coworker. Then, the woman who is single and involved with a single, nice guy, gives up on having sex with him and breaks off the relationship.

The two other girls are no different. One is always contemplating her affair with her married boss, and the other is screwing the hot son of her dead married lover.

You would be right to ascribe all this to the mere love of conflict on the part of audiences, but the key is not merely that there is conflict, but in the type of conflict.

Another example is Honest, which is not exclusively a chick show, because it also caters strongly to male sexual fantasy. But, for the female main characters, there is little sexual satisfaction coming from normal relationships. The mother has to take care of and provide for the family while her criminal husband is in prison. She's a really tough, strong female role model. But, her husband's in jail and she's got so much on her mind, so how can she be in the mood?

Her two daughters aren't having much satisfaction either. One is a really sharp business minded teenager. The other is a really sexy bimbo. The sharp one has a crush on a guy, but how can he notice her with the hot sister around, i'n' it?

The bimbo sister can't enjoy sex because she can only use it as a tool to manipulate men.

The twin brothers, on on the other hand get to screw hot chicks enjoy it. The dumb one screws his Cantonese Mafia Boss employer's wife, and, i think the super hot daughter.

The smart brother definitely screws the daughter and they both enjoy it.

Now, this daughter and mother are enjoying their sex, but in both cases, it's improper, especially for the mother.

Less so for the daughter. Now here's another point about these British shows i so enjoy, i;n; it?
That is, the white British male still maintains his sexual preeminence.

The wife of the Cantonese Mafia Boss is white, but the daugther is Chinese, so, even though she's single and its okay for her to be having sex, she's a exotic oriental vixen and it is natural that she is ready to get it on with any young white guy.

On Mistresses, the South Asian-looking woman is sleeping with her unattractive boss, then strays to the female side, than tries to rebound with a good looking black guy, but then all you see is her saying "There's your cab, let yourself out."

On that show, there's another non-anglo-saxon. He looks a little arabic. He's really nice, but he's infertile! And his lawyer wife is the one screwing the tall, square jawed, green eyed Briton.

The other British show I liked was Meadowlands. And in that one there's two non-whites. A black woman and a black guy. But they don't get it on with anyone. The black guy is officially with a white chick, but then we find out that they're undercover and just pretending.

Meadowlands (called Cape Wrath in the UK, i'n' it?) was pretty cool. It was a bit of toned down take on the Twin Peaks feel, with a straightforward mystery plot.

The story was a bunch of people in the Witness Protection program get sent to this mysterious small town in the middle of a vast desert. But the residents don't know anything about where they are.

It turns out that the whole town is actually a social experiment that's being monitored by some secret group.

Anyways, back to the profound truths I've learned from chick shows. I should also include The L Word and Desperate Houswives, because I've seen all seasons of these shows too.

The modern point about woman that is being repeated over and over again is that sex, for woman, is sooo complicated, but that they must be respected fully as sexual beings every bit as men are. You have to be sensitive and deal sensitively with all the sensitive issues in woman's life. And lesbian sex is not just something you can jump into. That is, if you're a male fantasizing about it (which is absurd). On the other hand, if you're on the L Word than it is quire common for straight women to suddenly moisten at the approach of a hot lesbian.

So, it seems that modern woman's television is not so profound after all. Well, in that case, perhaps I need another excuse to keep watching... I guess I'm still just fascinated by women. I would much more eagerly welcome real stories about women. Stories that accurately reflect the way they deal with daily life and important issues in their lives.

But, in absent of that I'll stick what I've got it, i'n' it?


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Two things from Facing the Shame.

You know what really deserves talking about? That book I've been reading on Shame-based families. It's called "Facing the Shame" It goes into great analysis of the structure of shame based/dysfunctional families.

two insights I've gotten so far are: The coping mechanism in my family for shame has been what the book refers to as the 'geographic cure' that is, we just get away from each other cause we cant deal with the problems.

You dont know what a revelation that is considering how long I've spent analyzing our family dysfunction.

It's amazing, given that my grandparents on my dads side both fled their families. Grandpa TT left his dirt poor family in Kentucky for the navy and never moved back, instead settling in California. Grandma TT was from Washington and she ran away from her family and married Grandpa TT.

Then, on my moms side Great Gradndpa went from a reservation in Mexico to Chicago, running a bar, and then to socal.

My dads parents retired and moved to Oregon while he stayed in southern California. My mom spent all her adult life trying to escape her mother. Her brothers that didn't escape her, both have had plenty of incarceration and drug abuse experience, as well as an inability to hold down any kind of stable job or life.

The one that did get away from Grandma Ramona (I never call her Grandma, just Ramona) was the youngest, Uncle Mark. He became very successful and stable in his work and life, basically by doing the opposite of everything Ramona did.

Back on my dad's side, there are his four Children that have spread out across the US and now the world. Stephen went from Northern California back to southern and then to New York and Jersey and back, and now he's here in Shanghai.

Cheryl Lives in Oklahoma with her tribe of children. Becky lives the closest to my Dad. He and Hanh live in Norwalk and Becky lives in Anaheim.

Okay, I know this may be tedious, but that's three generations that have used the geographic solution to family problems. I should mention Robbie too, our brother. His dad took off before he was born. Ramona got custody and really messed up him up big time. He's not exactly in the same class as the two Uncles who stayed with Ramona, but that's due, I believe to his wife, who seems to really have taken care of him.

Then, the last part of this is Cheryl's Kids, my nephews. Of the three oldest, Matthew joined the army and got away... to Iraq. Nathan was living with his dad, and then joined the army too and was in korea, but i think he might be back in the states. Michael joined the navy and is now in japan or on a submarine deep below the sea.

Okay, okay, the really real last part is this: Divorce and discarding of partners. My dad, my mom, cheryl and Ramona are/were all pretty bad at intimate relationships. I have also been that way and Stephen's dearth thereof seems to include him in this list.

I have seen so often in me, Stephen and our father a tendency close to eagerness to reject people out of our lives. I've seen Stephen do it with many of his employers, and seem to threaten it with his closest friends Jerry and Justin. I have done it to a few of closest friends, and many 'partners' that I've had. My dad, of course has done it with Stephen, my mother, his own father and countless others.

My mom had this tendency. Both my mom and dad had they're own little catchphrases that I'm sure will stay with Steve and Me forever and ever, whether we are conscious of it or not.

My dad's was "To Hell with him!" and my mom's was "I've washed my hands of you!"

Oh, i have gone over the one hour limit and am now at an hour and a half. GOOD LITTLE BOY YOU ARE MR. TAYLOR!!

The other thing about "Facing Shame" that hit me was a simple paragraph wherein the authors describe addiction as not reducible to a single element and that it was tied in generally as a pat of compulsion. I realized that, it is compulsion, not any mere addiction that I really am afraid to be without. That it is compulsion that I feel desperate and naked without.

Okay, now that ive made it through this task, I will finish up with the novel notes and put the trash away and maybe i really will stay up late and get things done.

I thought today that if I am going to insist on snacking even at eight o clock, than I really ought to just become one of those people who's always doing things

But the thinking of that thought might only be due to my now being in a very proactive mood, as opposed to the do-almost-nothing mindset I've been in for the past two weeks/too long.

My active mood might just be the stars, or me tired of being alone avoiding any one thing I intend to do.

an hours writing on Chinese New Year

 I told myself I'm going to write for one hour without stopping. That means i will stop at one thirty am.

I'm listening to book eleven of the left behind series: Armageddon.

My main tasks today have been to compile the notes for my novel, which are written on the backs of old fliers for Shanghai Daily that Emma brought home, the paper packaging for pirated dvds here (consisting of paper slightly firmer than construction paper and having four segments, the front contains the movie cover and the back description and two other movie related panels.), large papers that i hang up on the hall, timelines already hung up on the wall, and pages from my many never-full notebooks.

oh, my other task is studying HSK vocab by writing out sentences for words that i dont know in my intermediate vocab book. Some of them I know but i forget the tone, like 跨,to straddle, the one to crumble and the one to boast. Sometimes I see the pinyin and I realized that I have been using the wrong tone, or that I have been using the characters without knowing the tones. Thats not as bad, because sometimes I just repeat things direct from memory. I'm good at imitating things I hear. But it's still embarrassing to realize I've been saying the name of the place like the science and technology museum the right way, but doing so unconsciously.

One of the innocent but annoyingly repetitive questions I can rely on my Chinese comrades asking me is whether or not studying Chinese hard. Aside from its frustrating recurrence hundreds of time every year, I am annoyed by the implied simplicity and the insincerity of the question.

I don't think any real student of any language should think in such acontextual terms as hard or easy. Like, I Consider Latin really hard because of all the cases, but its also easy in its sentence struecture and vocabulary (because I know so many latin word descendants in Spanish and English)

So people ask me if Chinese is hard, rhetorically, because they want to sympathize and establish a tentative bond between themselves and a foreigner. But I, in my rigorously analytic, everyones bothering me state of mind, explain clearly and briefly that the hard aspect of learning Chinese is really just the reading and writing. The pronunciation is much simpler than English and the grammar is too.

(It's Chinese New Years, so its so fucking loud right now with all the fireworks. I havent been out of the house all day. I cannot hear much of the Left Behind book that just finished and many a car alarm is chiming in unison with the armageddon like explosions 'round my cave.)

The thing about Chinese is that you cant just read through something and store away all the words you dont know for later. Like, I still dont know what 'eorundem' means in Latin. But see, it has letters and I remember it. However. If you see 甚 with a place/land radical next to it, you have to look up it up in the dictionary before you no how its pronounced. You might get lucky by guessing that, since without the radical it's 'shen', therefore with the radical it might be something close, like 'shen' in a different tone, or chen, or zhen. But that's no guarantee.

(I've now reached the point, as many of us do every chinese new year, when the noise from the fireworks is so loud and so persistent that my instincts have overridden my conscious and I'm quite tense and nervous and looking for somewhere to hide from the noise and gundpowder scent seeping in through my closed windows.)

I see now that it is tweve a clock, so thats why there making all that damn noise.

Well, well, well, I saw the movie "the Ten" which is a very fresh comedy cut up into ten stories, one for each commandment. As I watched, I realized I was seeing the generational shift in comedy formalized.

The trend in comedy that started with Airplane and Police Story, and continuing on to the Simpons, MST3K, Kids in the Hall, The Ben stiller Show and South Park is now becoming perhaps more intensified with this younger generation (actually it is my generation)

Imitation of Pop culture in order to mock, along with intricate absurdity is still the paradigm, but the form is changing. As of yet, I haven't worked out the details, but its good to see that it, at least hasnt degenerated.

Anyways, Speaking of the kids in the hall, I recently rewatched the first three seasons and I was amazed at how advanced they were, both in topic and imagination. The sketch telling everyone to "stand in the new style" , the one where Dave foley goes to ask his boss for a raise and his boss says he doesnt deserve it, since Dave wrote this present Sketch which uses such a cliched premise (a guy asking for a raise)... and "Screw you Taxpayer" which talks about how the whole show is payed for by public funds and flaunts their contempt of the public.

(The fireworks quieted for a second, i felt hope stirring.... wait. there not starting back up, at least nearby, just bottle rockets and distant rumbling and alarms. oh shit, there we go, they're back)

I bought some new under wears, or long johns or whatever they're called at the carrefour when me and steve went to thumb plaza to eat at punjabis.

I am curious to see how long I will wear these new p.j.'s long john's before i actually wash the clothing i wore for the last two months, so that i might change clothes yet again.

The day that we saw The Ten, I also purchased and previewed the new Sweeney Todd with Johnny Depp, what an insult!

I think Depp was good in twenty one jump street and the one where he played the flaming, alcoholic pirate. But Sweeney Todd is a fucking musical!! If you cannot sing with a deep enough voice than you are not fit for the fucking part!!!!

Why does he have to be so arrogant as to ruin a cool musical just because his pseudo artistic goth buddy Tim Burton is too in love to find someone who suits the fucking role???

Are they supposed to be an item? Any self respecting, successful gay man should know better than to go after a straight guy just because he is hot. That's so trite!

Oh shucky shucks, I'm almost done with the hour!!!! Hurray, Ive actually got something done.

Sadly, I feel not much better for the effort, although perhaps i will be able to concentrate on either of the tasks that I have set for myself. I really 渴望很久to出版my 书 any 书都可以。 
its been eighteen years since I wanted to be a writer. And to date I have only published/sold six articles. thats not very good Mr. Taylor. But, We've been over this ground to many times before and so has every other failure and successful person.

I think I will finish my notes for Matthews last post regarding his video game. That will get one of the many put-off-in-favor-of-putting-off-something-else-tasks out of the way.

Well, I have been alone for the past ten or twelve days. Here in the apartment, Emma went back to Shaanxi. I want her to get pictures of the food there 扯面,麻辣炒面,and 凉皮儿. Also I want her to make a video of her grandma, who I really like and feel bad about not seeing this time.

I'm going to seperate this into two posts, i'll cut it off at the beginning of the 'Facing Shame' portion. good night and happy new years and 看春着晚,多发点短信。发财,发财, 不要花财on dorritos and punjabis!!!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Kerouac, long after Schopenhauer

Thanks Mercy for giving me something to write about.

Seeing the beats through modern eyes:
I can see why you would not be hooked by chilling with hobos and having no fixed residence. I didn't read the whole thing, but it looks like guys escaping the waspish middle class culture by disobeying its conventions. I think the lack of dialogue and sentence breaks is probably what made it special back in 57.

In history
But i wonder how aware he was of previous bohemian generations? I think Jacques Barzun in Dawn to Decadence makes a great point of how many twentieth century causes, particularly counter culture, free love, drug use as transcendental, and a fascination with eastern religion were taken up in the late 1800's and early 1900's
That time was also the time of great labor unrest, the Red Menace, and the assassination of Mckinley by an avowed anarchist.

Also, whats the difference in style between Kerouac and Ulysses/Finnegans Wake?
I think the beat generation were part of a resurfacing of the counter cultural trend that was probably suppressed through war-induced patriotism and the Great Depression.

But the main elements, that is the bohemian lifestyle, transcendence of conventional reality and disregard for literary conventions were nothing new, but merely a recurring theme throughout western civilization.

Two good things I can ascribe to their lineage: One is the poetry or lyrics of Saul Williams. Although he is in the genre of spoken word, I have downloaded three of his albums and they are fucking brilliant.
The other is a renewed emphasis on the illusory nature of conventional social reality. The transcendence of ego and the importance of the infinite/god.

One bad thing that the beat movement inseminated was the lineage of anti-convention which , via the hippies and post-modern bullshit led to the complete and utter lack of any criteria with which young people might be able to evaluate the assemblage of language into something having the properties of good and/or bad. That is to say, my self indulgent bullshit is just as good as yours.
Remember in the Nineties how all those lower class black and white guests on Jerry Springer (or equivalent) would say "You cain't judge me!" and in the r&b songs they would say they "There's only one judge, yo, and that's God."???????

One ugly thing they played a causal role in was the glorification of substance abuse. (I forogot to mention that Rimbaud abandoned poetic form and civilization, in favor of drugs, several decades earlier and proclaimed the universal primacy of love before becoming a nihilist.) I recognize that drugs/alcohol really do help one to escape from their current state of mind. But there is no connection between talent and alcohol. Being a pathetic junkie or drunk who happens to be gifted, doesn't excuse one's destructive behavior.

I do believe that weed and hallucinogenics really do open your mind in the sense that they alter your perception, so that you might not forever be a slave to the features of awareness that dominate you merely through their persistence.

But it disgusts me how many times I've seen these movies about artists/junkies or lushes wherein nobody ever points out that there addiction is not the tragedy of a great artist, but the common tragedy of any 'average' person unable to escape their destructive behavior, like a child molester or someone who beats their wife and kids.

Wait, I forgot blacks, blacks, blacks!
How and the fuck can you listen to those beats without talking about how much of their style comes from black people? Syncopated diction, love of Jazz, unconventional, wild lifestyles, drugs and living on the edge. Dude, that's white kids looking at the black side of town. That's black people through white eyes. Think about how they would have seen them in the forties and fifties: No work ethic, no place in society, love to sing and dance, fond of getting their smoke and drink on, sexually amoral. Jack Kerouac mentions this relation in "The early history of Bop"

So, I don't want to sound down on old Jack, but if I was there around 1960 or so, I'd say "I think you're doing good work in showing another way to live and write, but, don't bullshit yourself, there's still a long way to go. You say there's no world, the infinite is love and all that. Go for it. But, if you want to escape some new shit, escape your own bullshit. Escape the pretenses that you've been keeping inside of you. Escape your addictions. You say there's no real, we're all insane,but your self-destruction is real. The pain and fragmentation around you is real. There's still a long way to go to freedom, so don't stop."

As I write this, I'm listening to various readings by Kerouac. Not bad..