NON-FICTION: View of my recent self

美术历史 Art History

I really excelled in this class, in just the way I really want to.  In just the way that can validate my sense of myself and my aspirations in writing and learning. 

Significant aspects of success were a responsive, enthusiastic teacher who believed in what she was teaching, the emphasis on attribution of theoretical category as the main subject of the class, and my pre-existing familiarity with the history of western painting, western aesthetics, aesthetic theory, and western history in general. 

The fact that so much of the motivation was antagonistic and rebellious helped to give me a structure within which to fill out the descriptions. 

If only ever class was like this.  I didn’t have to worry about learning anything for the most part. I just listened, and read, and thought.  Everything was easily absorbed. 

人类体格学 Phys. Anthropology

Son of a bitch.  Here my creativity and serious treatment of the subject was useless, and perhaps worked slightly against me, either by encouraging a reaction against my arrogance or expecting more based on my writing syle. 

That bastard was perfectly reasonable within the confines of his narrow mechanistic approach. 

I didn’t study much or really give the time necessary to fully understand every thing he wanted us to memorize. 

It brings to mind again the issue of submission as the key to success.  My struggle with my fierce independence and the demands of being a student. 恶性死我

My sincere contemplation of the material was insufficient in demonstrating a familiarity and comprehension of the subject matter. 

Any son of a bitch that faults for not explaining nature nurture or any other petty distinctions deserves the contempt of the angel as well as the gate keepers of hell.

Any fool that would read my writing and presume ignorance of things I deem insufficient in terms of explanatory power, and ignore the superiority of the explanations offered, or ignore the debate which they imply, or ignore the attempt to replace the check list data which shows an implicit understanding of that same data, grants to that fool the prize of god’s contempt, and the contemptuous smirk of little baby jesus. 

My rhetoric was insufficient in dissuading this evil dictatorial banal student!!! from leaving me with at least a C.

Once decided, the grade is worthy only of defense, with the smug indifference of authority, and a single minded devotion to righteousness, lest the typical, unavoidable ambiguity in student assessment be revealed. 

This cruel, cruel man required me to jump into a straight jacket, into a check list. 

This is check listing, reducing education to list of things to be checked off. 

中文Chinese

This was the easiest and most tearing.  I didn’t devote enough time, particularly early on.  So I felt embarrassed and guilty about the teacher.  I felt like I half assed it too much and didn’t give her the courtesy of trying enough. 

The class was full of half assers.  Bunch of high school kids who thought there limp tongued, broken Mandarin needed no adjustment.  Their cultural identity, mostly separate now from China, and clinging to the impressions that little island that thought it owned the mainland, dissuades them from even trying the standard pronunciation, probably feeling to do so would be “gay” or dumb. 

Again, I feel indebted to the teacher,  she was kind and engaging. 

人类体格学。lab Phsy Anthropolgy -lab

I forgive you Padua.  In this perhaps I reveal my weakness for woman (lost mother figures) or a sympathy with your lesbian-like appearance and my bi-days. 

I learned everything, I got everything.  But I still will wind up with a D.  It hurts and hurts and hurts. 

At least twice in that class I just wanted to put my head down and cry. 

All the information would have been great if presented in a series of Sunday visits, free, ungraded lecture/activities, or lessons given for anything other than short term memory retention.  

I could very easily have sat down and studied, asked the teacher exaclty what we needed, and she would told me simply and clearly, and then I could have studied accordingy.  

My time issues played a role.  I came to class on the day the class project was due with no awareness that it was due, and no awareness that I should have gone to the zoo, at least, in the previous week.  That’s when I really wanted to cry. 

孩子发展 Child Development, Early Childhood Education

I think that in this class, I missed out on the largest amount of useful information.  I’d like to purchase the book, which I might then never look at.  The stuff on different types of preschools, elementary schools was the most useful.  There was stuff on head start and first five, that I’m working in now. 

With this class, I can’t tell how the teacher was grading.  I got a’s on all the assignments.  I didn’t do the last exam, because of time issues, the opinion that I couldn’t do it anyways without the book, the sense that I already had enough points to get an a or a b, and the sense that maybe since I had already contacted the teacher in a cordial manner about resetting the exam for me (since my browser had closed before I could finish/half ass it), that maybe she would think I made a mistake and take pity on me. 

I did make a mistake.  I accidentally closed the tab.  That’s when I gave up, rather than emaling her again.  That’s when I came up with the idea that maybe she would assume I didn’t know that I had done that and give me a second chance after the day it was due. 

This class allowed to reflect a lot on my own teaching, and prepare for what it will be like when I go back to teaching. 

It made me realize that I’ve been using a lot of modern, progressive methods in teaching, and that, perhaps, learning the terminology and categories of teaching that are used in modern pedagogy, I can categorize and organize my own teaching. 

弟弟

I want to finish going over the script and rewrite a portion for him. 

This is one of those things where my thinking is that this is a chance to make rogress in my career as a writer, but the perspective that has his thought is a spectator, watching from the future, condemning my hesitance to embrace this opportunity, it tells me that this is what I want, what will help me, which is a lifeline in the monsoon. 

哥哥

该咋说? I just want to find a way to interact with him, show him I care, without risking the eruption of his resentment or my defense against that resentment.  At this point, he won’t accept concessions, but there might be something short of a full admission that can satisfy him.

I want to bring him some gifts for Christmas and his birthday.  Maybe something like a cd, dvd, external memory.  gift card, clothing, cologne…

老婆

If I can just keep her from leaving, or keep from leaving her, until I get my writing career (reflexive shame) going, than things will be okay, or what?  Things will be stable? No.  Things will be sturdy.  Or at least I feel she won’t leave me, or she won’t feel so much despair, or at least not so very much, or slightly less. 

I just want to be good to her, but there’s some things I don’t want to do, some things I feel like I can’t do.  I don’t think I could just go out and get a job at starbucks on the weekend.  I don’t know why I can’t resists feeling bad about that, feeling wrong. 

海哥

Just emailed me to make sure I could go, and offred to loan me money, said it he hoped was a money issue, and not an emma issue. 

我们还有一些矛盾， 他的几句话让我不开心。  有机会我要跟他白白地谈.

读书俱乐部 Book Club

Need to make emma feel both okay that she’s not into it and encourage her in a way that acknowledges her minimal interest. 

My next choice, would be nice if it could be my finished Drama of the Christian Science Teachers. 

啊根体那 Argentina

Go to the bookstores, buy some Yum Yum booksYum Yum.  See the city, have resentful fantasizes about ditching emma and not coming back. 

出版书 publish books

Revise beast resigns, and finish Christian scienc teachers (good title) check price of ucla bookfair booth

多写 Write more

Take writing classes (I am) and see every opportunity to write as an opportunity to show your skill. 

Try to gain more clarity and acceptance of your situation and feelings.  See without thoughts, meditate, pray..

叔叔

Wait till the opportunity comes to email/call, or till he contacts.  Think over his possible motivations/disposition, or just stop worrying about them and just pay attention to him when you see him. 

下学期的伸河课程 Next semesters rio hondo classes

Buy the textbooks in advance, circle, highlight, study all the key words, categories, chapters, people. 

什么书想读 What books do I want to read?

Simple and direct, the spiritual in art, zizek/Trotsky, wenyanduben, mala ondo, years of salt rice-chinese, sciabarras hayek/marx, Chinese history, linguistics, neuroscience text.

Psych-situation

心理情狂

Feel sad, and feel like emma won’t let me feel happy, like I can’t feel happy without her consent that things are okay, or acceptable, or tolerable.  Don’t feel in control of my life, like a slightly removed spectator, because, probably, that’s the area of my brain summarizing the day to day to action to action part. 

进大学 Getting into university

Guess it will be okay, not be able to go if accepted because of money, might not be able to go unless I get student loans. 

大学课程Unversity classes

OBEY!!!!! SUBMIT!!!!  Doesn’t sound like anything too hard.  I think I can do it with minimal submission. 

钱，多上班。。。Money, work more...

I can take more classes in the next few days, before I leave, I can work every day.  I can also work continuously until/if I can start classes at whittier college.

思想／理论的话题 Thinking/Theoretical topics

Origins of the brain,

Revolution as a evolutionary-hominid structure, academia, the revolution-party as dominance hierarchy, the dominant trend in scientific interpretations/humanities: biological mechanism, reintrepting everything as impulse-control again, falling back to reactionary morals sometimes, and, of course, providing powerful new ways of knowing the world and our connectedness too it. 

The contstructive political endeavor.

The fight against faith

Being a thinker like zizek (gets to say whatever interesting stuff he thinks about, doesn’t stick to topic.)

The way to see Trotsky. 

 The totalitarian approach to qualitative change

The problem of inherent class resistance to transcending capitalism.