NONFICTION Who really seeks god?

I have realized some things about the meaning of ' a search for god'
First, let me say that I am an atheist and an anarchist. Philosophically i believe in the general primacy of experience in forming our knowledge of phenomena in the world.

So, I have felt something in my mind, a presence that I identify with god. I want to know what it is, to find out the meaning and origin.
But in order to do that, i have to clear out a lot of cluttered associations in my mind.

WHAT IT IS NOT

So, my experience should not be conflated with christianity, the main religion i have been exposed to.
Nor should its memory be allowed to flutter around my consciousness as some vague 'well, i believe theres something out there' attitude. This attitude does nothing to examine the experience or provide causal explanations. It just abstains from pursuing the experience in a constructive fashion.
Nor should this fascinating experience be lumped into any of the analysis-phobic spiritual new age type of ideas that posit sweet happy energy and other super powerful forces that are sensed but can never be subjected to honest judgement.
The set ideas that people have formed about god are not at all based on or starting from the actual thing they experience as god.

SIMPLE CHRISTIANITY

If anyone doubts this, please just look at the history of your beliefs, look at its predecessors. Look at who believed it before you. Look at the outsiders view of why it started. Look at the diversity of opinion.
If you are a christian, look at how many different ideas about christ there were. The myriad of doctrines and gospels that we know of. The ebionites, marcianites, the various gnostic beliefs, and the diversity of belief among the officially canonized gospels themselves. Yet the thing we get today- though it is still fragmented into methodists, unitarians, catholics, etc. - is one version of the meaning of the life of Jesus Christ and the Jewish God. It is the version that won out.
So it is with all the other beliefs about god, or the spirit world, or the magical energy that can get you everything if you project it right.

ASSERTING VS. SEARCHING

The notion of scientific proof of god as it exists today is not at all scientific. It is nothing but propagranda. No religious person ever says "okay, if this experiment fails, I'll stop believing in god!" But many religious people will jump at any chance to say "Well, even that famous scientist looked at something that scientists dont understand and said it was so complicated that it had to be made by god!"
There are many scientists who see proof of god in their discoveries, but even if we except the constantly recycled argument for the necessity of design, that has nothing to do with the vast majority of religious believers now and throughout time. Their belief is beyond evidence, beyond logic.

In real life, people believe in their own versions of god because it is offered to them, pre-packaged and fully assembled, when they are searching for meaning, or it is pushed onto them as children.

Asserting that there's a god and then finding lab results and saying "See I told you so." is utterly at odds with science. Faith (feeling) is the real reason for most belief, and the science is just a polemical device.

So, in the contradictions of scientific religion, we do not get what the phrase implies: An honest, verifiable theory of god.

LASTLY: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEARCH?

I do. To do so, it is first necessary to free ourselves of all the piled on habits of thought that have shaped and will continue to direct our understanding of god, or whatever this experience is.
To really look for god, we need to use the same tools that we use when we ask ourselves "Am I crazy?" "Am I in love?" "How do I know what is true." That is to say, we must use logic, contrast, objectivity, the evidence of our senses, and the evidence of our internal experience.

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