NONFICTION Getting To The Higher Me and The God

Part A: The SELF

when i was around 13 I had an experience which has ever since spurred me on in the search for a higher conscious.

I was walking down the halls of my junior high school, alone and closed up, safe, in my mind. This is often my happiest time.

Suddenly, a voice sounded in my head, a voice I immediately recognized as some 'older' or higher version of myself.

The voice said "There's more room up here."

And, along with this declaration, I felt an expansion of my consciousness, not in any specific way, but like a cramped house wherein the inhabitants suddenly find an empty cellar, dwarfing in size the rest of the house, and filled with golden sunlight.

That was around 15 years ago. When I look at that number, it makes me think maybe there's a problem here. Maybe I havent done enough.

On the one hand, I'm evasive and a chronic procrastinator, with a erratic heart and attention span.

On the other hand, I'm a freaking genius and pretty nice to people. Also, I've managed to get rid of a lot of my shame based tendencies and not repeat the sickness of my families previous generations.

And the most hopeful part, finally now, after all this time, I am able to glimpse the possibility of maintaining the higher self all the time, not just in rare moments of clarity.

Part B The GOD

I have felt the presence which I think is what other people call God. I have prayed to it. I have talked to it. I have pleaded with it to be patient with me. I have explained to it what I need to understand about it.

That feeling is so special, that I really want to be able to feel it all the time.

It is not the same as the higher self (which I also think of as "The me that I can talk to"), but it is a comparable experience.

I want to feel that god thing in my head all the time, and I want the higher self in me all the time.

(Im like the old lady on Phil Hendrie who just couldn't be satisfied with the goblin juice, she wanted all the damn juices!)

But, in the past I have constantly sought panacea's for my most pervasive and self-destructive tendency: Hesitancy.

So, I ought not rely on these two highs to help me avoid being a Hamlet.

But, I hope anyways.