You know what really deserves talking about? That book I've been reading on Shame-based families. It's called "Facing the Shame" It goes into great analysis of the structure of shame based/dysfunctional families.
two insights I've gotten so far are: The coping mechanism in my family for shame has been what the book refers to as the 'geographic cure' that is, we just get away from each other cause we cant deal with the problems.
You dont know what a revelation that is considering how long I've spent analyzing our family dysfunction.
It's amazing, given that my grandparents on my dads side both fled their families. Grandpa TT left his dirt poor family in Kentucky for the navy and never moved back, instead settling in California. Grandma TT was from Washington and she ran away from her family and married Grandpa TT.
Then, on my moms side Great Gradndpa went from a reservation in Mexico to Chicago, running a bar, and then to socal.
My dads parents retired and moved to Oregon while he stayed in southern California. My mom spent all her adult life trying to escape her mother. Her brothers that didn't escape her, both have had plenty of incarceration and drug abuse experience, as well as an inability to hold down any kind of stable job or life.
The one that did get away from Grandma Ramona (I never call her Grandma, just Ramona) was the youngest, Uncle Mark. He became very successful and stable in his work and life, basically by doing the opposite of everything Ramona did.
Back on my dad's side, there are his four Children that have spread out across the US and now the world. Stephen went from Northern California back to southern and then to New York and Jersey and back, and now he's here in Shanghai.
Cheryl Lives in Oklahoma with her tribe of children. Becky lives the closest to my Dad. He and Hanh live in Norwalk and Becky lives in Anaheim.
Okay, I know this may be tedious, but that's three generations that have used the geographic solution to family problems. I should mention Robbie too, our brother. His dad took off before he was born. Ramona got custody and really messed up him up big time. He's not exactly in the same class as the two Uncles who stayed with Ramona, but that's due, I believe to his wife, who seems to really have taken care of him.
Then, the last part of this is Cheryl's Kids, my nephews. Of the three oldest, Matthew joined the army and got away... to Iraq. Nathan was living with his dad, and then joined the army too and was in korea, but i think he might be back in the states. Michael joined the navy and is now in japan or on a submarine deep below the sea.
Okay, okay, the really real last part is this: Divorce and discarding of partners. My dad, my mom, cheryl and Ramona are/were all pretty bad at intimate relationships. I have also been that way and Stephen's dearth thereof seems to include him in this list.
I have seen so often in me, Stephen and our father a tendency close to eagerness to reject people out of our lives. I've seen Stephen do it with many of his employers, and seem to threaten it with his closest friends Jerry and Justin. I have done it to a few of closest friends, and many 'partners' that I've had. My dad, of course has done it with Stephen, my mother, his own father and countless others.
My mom had this tendency. Both my mom and dad had they're own little catchphrases that I'm sure will stay with Steve and Me forever and ever, whether we are conscious of it or not.
My dad's was "To Hell with him!" and my mom's was "I've washed my hands of you!"
Oh, i have gone over the one hour limit and am now at an hour and a half. GOOD LITTLE BOY YOU ARE MR. TAYLOR!!
The other thing about "Facing Shame" that hit me was a simple paragraph wherein the authors describe addiction as not reducible to a single element and that it was tied in generally as a pat of compulsion. I realized that, it is compulsion, not any mere addiction that I really am afraid to be without. That it is compulsion that I feel desperate and naked without.
Okay, now that ive made it through this task, I will finish up with the novel notes and put the trash away and maybe i really will stay up late and get things done.
I thought today that if I am going to insist on snacking even at eight o clock, than I really ought to just become one of those people who's always doing things
But the thinking of that thought might only be due to my now being in a very proactive mood, as opposed to the do-almost-nothing mindset I've been in for the past two weeks/too long.
My active mood might just be the stars, or me tired of being alone avoiding any one thing I intend to do.
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